A person who influenced me was Mrs. Baldwin, my best friend’s mother. Mrs. Baldwin was always around whenever I went over to see Stacey. She was form Alabama and she always looked up from whatever she was making and said “Hey girl” to me when I came in the kitchen door. I was shocked when my Mom told me that Mrs. Baldwin had cancer. I couldn’t believe that anyone I knew, anyone I cared about, could be dying.

It was very hard for everyone as Mrs. Baldwin got sicker. I think her whole family was in shock. She went to the hospital for treatments and for chemotherapy but I knew that things weren’t getting better.

Mrs. Baldwin died at home just before Thanksgiving last year. I still think about her often and I know things are completely different for her kids and her husband. Stacey and I don’t ever talk about it but I can tell things have changed.

When Mrs. Baldwin died, I realized that people aren’t forever. I know now that we all have to appreciate each other while we can. I think I’ve changed and I believe that Mrs. Baldwin has had a significant impact on my life. She gave me so much. She gave me a chance to laugh, to tell my stories, and to feel welcomed. She gave me the ability to be myself. Wherever I go, I know that Mrs. Baldwin will be watching over me, helping me to be happy.

Things to Notice About This Essay

1. It is very hard to write about death. Poets and playwrights have been struggling—and often failing—for centuries. Think long and hard before you assign yourself the task of writing in a meaningful and fresh way about illness or death.

2. The essay has a clear focus: Mrs. Baldwin was important to the writer. A bit of specific evidence is offered: the friendly “Hey girl”. The reader wonders what other things Mrs. Baldwin did, what conversations they had, what actions created the feelings of warmth and closeness.

3. The writer uses a chronological organization and tells the story toward a conclusion (“I realized…”). The essay is organized, but the conclusion isn’t completely persuasive. Compare Samples 3 or 9, both of which tell more specific stories to support their conclusions. Remember to show rather than tell.

4. A final version of this essay should include revisions of “completely different,” “so much,” and “be myself”. The reader needs help to visualize what these phrases mean.

5. The writer may have used a spell-checking program, but errors like those in lines one and three show she didn’t proofread.