A Formation of Self

Before even touching the camera, I made a list of some of the photographs I would take: web covered with water, grimace reflected in the calculator screen, hand holding a tiny round mirror where just my eye is visible, cat’s striped underbelly as he jumps toward the lens, manhole covers, hand holding a translucent section of orange, pinkies partaking of a pinkie swear, midsection with jeans, hair held out sideways at arm’s length, bottom of foot, soap on face. This, I think is akin to a formation of self. Perhaps I have had the revelations even if the photos are never taken.

I already know the dual strains the biographers will talk about, strains twisting through a life. The combination is embodied here: I write joyfully, in the margin of my lab book, beside a diagram of a beaker, “Isolated it today, Beautiful wispy strands, spider webs suspended below the surface, delicate tendrils, cloudy white, lyrical, elegant DNA! This is DNA! So beautiful!”

I should have been a Renaissance man. It kills me to choose a field (to choose between the sciences and the humanities!). My mind roams, I wide-eyed, into infinite caverns and loops. I should fly! Let me devour the air, dissolve everything into my bloodstream, learn!

The elements are boundless, but, if asked to isolate them, I can see tangles around medicine and writing. The trick will be to integrate them into a whole, and then maybe I can take the photograph. Aahh, is it already there, no? Can’t you see it? I invoke the Daedalus in me, everything that has gone into making me, hoping it will be my liberation.

Music is one such element. The experience of plying in an orchestra from the inside is an investigation into subjectivity. It is reminiscent of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle: the more one knows the speed of a particle, the less one knows its position. Namely the position of the observer matters and affects the substance of the observation; even science is embracing embodiment. I see splashes of bright rain in violin arpeggios fading away in singed circles, a clarinet solo fades blue to black, and a flute harmony leaves us moving sideways, a pregnant silence, the trumpets interrupt with the smell of lightning. Perhaps in the audience you would sense something else.

I think of rowing as meditation. Pshoow, huh, aaah; pshoow, huh, aaah. I can close my eyes and still hear it. We glide over reflected sky… and lean. And defy the request for “leadership positions,” laugh at it, because it misses the entire point, that we are integral, one organism. I hear the oars cut the water, shunk shunk; there are no leaders.

Once I heard an echo from all quarters. “Do not rush,” said the conductor, “follow the baton.” “Do not rush,” said the coach, “watch the body in front of you.” Do not rush.

I write about characters’ words: how they use words, how they manipulate them, how they create their own realities; words used dangerously, flippantly, talking at cross purposes, deliberately being vague; the nature of talking, of words and realities. Perhaps mine has been a flight of fancy too. But, come on, it’s in the words, a person, a locus, somewhere in the words. It’s all words. I love the words.

I should be a writer, but I will be a doctor, and out of the philosophical tension I will create a self.

點評：

This essay is a good example of an essay that shows rather than tells the reader who the author is. Through excited language and illustrative anecdotes, she offers a complex picture of her multifaceted nature.

這篇文章是一個很好的例子，它除了告訴讀者作者是誰外還展示了許多其他東西。通過充滿激情的語言和說明的例子，她把自己不同方面繪成了一幅復雜的圖片。

The writing is as fluid as its subject matter. One paragraph runs into the next with little break for transition or explicit connection. It has the feel of an ecstatic stream-of-consciousness, moving rapidly toward a climactic end.

文章的寫作隨著主題而變動。段與段之間的聯系很強，幾乎沒有斷層。就好像是在感受一股讓人興奮的意識流，很快的向著最后的高潮移動。

The author is as immediate as she is mysterious. She creates and intimate relationship with her reader, while continuously keeping him/her “in the dark” as she jumps from one mental twist to another.

作者能很快的讓人覺的有一種神秘感。她能和讀者建立一種關系，當她在幾種思維中跳躍的時候能讓讀者對之不甚理解而陷入深思。

She openly exposes her charged thoughts, yet leaves the ties between them uncemented. This creates an unpredictability that is risky but effective.

她把自己充滿感情的想法寫公然地出來，但想法之間的聯系沒有很好的解釋。這帶著一些不確定的風險，但是，卻能讓人印象深刻。

Still, one ought to be wary in presenting as essay of this sort. The potential for obliqueness is high, and, even here, the reader is at times left in confusion regarding the coherence of the whole. Granted the essay is about confluence of seeming opposites, but poetic license should not obscure important content. This particular essay could have been made stronger with a more explicit recurring theme to help keep the reader focused.

每個打算寫這類文章的人應該注意，這樣寫的風險是很高的。這篇文章的讀者會感覺到文章的整體思維有些亂七八糟。文章寫了關于表面上相反事物的匯合，但是詩歌不應該忽略掉重要的內容。如果能有一個更直白的主題來幫助讀者聚焦的話，這篇文章會更好。

In general, though, this essay stands out as a bold, impassioned presentation of self. It lingers in the memory as an entangled web of an intricate mind.

大體上說，雖然這篇文章充滿激情的介紹了自我，顯的十分出眾，但是總是停留在思維階段的寫作使人覺的有些復雜和難以理解。

譯文：

塑造自我

在接觸到照相機之前，我就列了許多我想要拍成照片的影像：帶著水珠的蛛網，倒映在屏幕上的鬼臉，拿在手上的鏡子中能看到我的眼睛，拍攝小貓躍過鏡頭上方時肚子上的花紋，升降口蓋，手里手著一塊半透明的桔子，牛仔褲的中部，長發斜斜的垂在手臂上，腳底，一張都是肥皂泡的臉。我認識這些類似于塑造自我。也許我可以從中得到些啟示就算我從來沒拍過這些照片。

我知道有些傳記作者會講述他們一生中遭遇的雙重壓力。比如這種結合可以這樣來表達：我很愉快的在實驗室書本的空白處上寫著，邊上是一張有關實驗數據的圖表，‘今天把它隔離，美麗的纖細的繩子，蛛網在表面下懸浮著，十分精致的植物的卷須，灰白色的，熱情的，雅致的DNA！這就是DNA！太漂亮了！’

我很希望成為一個多才多藝的人，那樣我才可以很自由的去選擇我喜好的領域，比如說自然科學和人文科學。我的思緒在漫游，我睜大眼睛，看著那無窮的空洞和盤旋的曲線。我想飛！讓我滆入到空氣中，把所有的一切都溶解在我的血液中，學習！

元素是無窮的，但是如果想隔離他們，我只能在藥品和寫作中看到一片混亂。訣竅是把他們融合成一個整體，然后我可以為他們拍照。啊哈，它已經在那了，不是嗎？你看不到嗎？我似乎是代達羅斯附身，所以東西都和我融合在一起，希望那能使我解放。

音樂就是這樣一種元素。從內部經歷管弦樂隊的演奏是一次對主觀性的調查。這是對海森堡的不確定理論的一次回憶：一顆粒子的運動速度越快，那它的位置就越不確定。事實上，盡管科學是以事實為依據，觀察者的位置對于最后的觀察結果仍有著很大的影響。我看到當琶音漸漸消失的時候，小提琴手如雨點般的在提琴上演奏，一段豎笛的獨奏從Bule漸漸轉為Black，之后一段長笛的合奏更是讓我們傾倒，短暫的寂靜被喇叭聲如閃電般打破。也許作為觀眾，你應該感受到另外一些東西。

我把沉思比作劃船。Pshoow, huh, aaah; pshoow, huh, aaah。閉上眼睛我仍然能聽到這樣的聲音。我們在水面上天空的倒映中滑過，然后傾斜。領導者的地位對于我們來說是一種笑話，我們完全不需要領導者，因為我們已經結合為一個整體。我聽到漿打在水面上的聲音，shunk shunk，這里沒有領導者。

我聽到所有人發出一種回音?！灰獊y來’，領隊說，‘跟著指揮來?！灰獊y來，’教練說，‘看你前面的人怎么做?！灰獊y來。

我寫下一些關于性格的詞匯：他們怎么使用和操縱詞匯，怎么做自己的事情；用一些危險和不禮貌的詞語來討論一些分歧的觀點，故意去爭論；談話、詞匯和事實的本質。或者我的想法也是異想天開。但是，這些都在詞匯中，不管是一個人或者一個地方，總會在詞匯中的某個地方。我熱愛這些詞匯。

我應該成為一名作家，但是我將會做一名醫生，而且在哲學的壓力外重塑自我。