（1） 原句：In the school, Miss Li always been an inspiring source of help and support for me and others throughout the years.

　　編輯分析： “always been” Incorrect tense or missing word. “throughout the years” Flows better at the beginning of the sentence. “me and others” Reads awkwardly.

　　改正后：Throughout the years, Miss Li has always provided an invaluable source of assistance and support to many, including myself.

　?。?）原句： Miss Li is not only a mechanical teacher but also in charge of computer lab.

　　編輯分析： “is not only” Limit the use of the weak ‘to be’ verbs. “mechanical teacher” Can this more specific? “in charge of” Directs.

　　改正后：Miss Li not only teaches mechanics, but also directs the computer lab.
　　（3）原句：Although her work is numerous, she tackled every task, no matter how trivial or monotonous, with great patience and meticulous care. But, with her creative mind, she was never content with merely doing her job, either.

　　編輯分析：“is numerous” Awkward. “But, with her…” Awkward transition. ‘But’ does not work well at the beginning of the sentence here.

　　改正后：In spite of an immense workload, she tackled every task, no matter how trivial or monotonous, with great patience and meticulous care. Moreover, driven by her creative mind, she never settled with merely completion of her job.

　?。?）原句：Once the problems came in, she thought them from unique angles and put forward many good ideas to solve them.

　　編輯分析：“put forward” Better word…presented…suggested…

　　改正后：Once aware of the problems, she attacked them from unique angles and presented many practical and novel solutions.

　　（5）原句：Facing the conflict between the shorthand of the school and TOEFL, she chose to instruct her students to finish the courses of Mechanical CAD.

　　編輯分析：“Facing the conflict…” This sentence is somewhat unclear, especially upon the first reading. I have attempted to clarify the situation.

　　改正后：Facing a conflict between the need to take on extra responsibilities to alleviate a shortage of teachers at the school and preparing for the TOEFL, she chose to instruct students in courses of Mechanical CAD.

　?。?）原句： It is evident that burden of work effected her preparation for TOEFL, because she got GRE 2100 under less pressure from work.

　　編輯分析： “It is evident” I have rephrased for clarity and improved flow. “effected” affected.

　　改正后：That burden of increased work negatively affected her preparation for TOEFL, as demonstrated by her significantly better score on the GRE when she faced less pressure from work.
　　（7）原句：When she decided to leave us, although I, as director of this school, hate to let her go, I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.

　　編輯分析： “I, as director…” I is unnecessary and confuses the sentence.

　　改正后：When she decided to leave us, though as director of this school I hate to see her go, I offered my full support. I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.

　?。?）原句：I dearly hope that you will consider his application favorably.

　　編輯分析： “dearly hope” sincerely. “consider his application” her application. You have referred to the recommended teacher as ‘she’ and ‘miss’ throughout.

　　改正后：I sincerely hope that you will consider her application favorably and am confident you will be enlightened by her talents at your school.

　　總體評(píng)論：

　　千瘡百孔的英文，語法錯(cuò)誤、用詞不當(dāng)、句子結(jié)構(gòu)不恰當(dāng)，都可以分散閱讀者的注意力，給閱讀者造成誤解，無法看懂你究竟要說什么。要知道評(píng)審委員要閱讀上百份申請(qǐng)材料，你的錯(cuò)誤可能使他（她）喪失對(duì)你的興趣和信心。

　　在申請(qǐng)文書寫作中應(yīng)當(dāng)注意：

　　使用正確的英語寫作

　　要堅(jiān)持使用明確、直接和具體的表達(dá)方式

　　刪除不必要的詞匯和語句

　　堅(jiān)持使用主動(dòng)語態(tài)

　　避免柔和、無色彩、猶豫和不果斷的語言。

　　語法錯(cuò)誤經(jīng)過反復(fù)的閱讀是可以更正的，但是用詞不當(dāng)和句子結(jié)構(gòu)不恰當(dāng)?shù)拿「恼饋韯t比較困難，對(duì)于英語不是母語的人士來說，需要長(zhǎng)期艱苦的磨練。在以后的篇章里，將繼續(xù)分析片語使用、選詞、句子結(jié)構(gòu)和篇章開頭結(jié)尾方面的錯(cuò)誤。